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Cyclone Yasi Deathtoll Stands at: 0. News Anchors “prepared to kill innocent people” if Fatalities Don’t Start Soon.

As Cyclone Yasi bears down on a frightened Queensland population, several news anchors have suggested they were “..prepared to kill innocent civilians if the cyclone deathtoll didn’t start soon.” As a precaution, Queensland police have detained Karl Stefanovic, Tracy Grimshaw and David ‘Kochie’ Koch as their flights landed in Queensland this afternoon in preparation for [...]
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Judy Moran found not guilty in Des Moran murder trial. Rogue hippopotamus implicated.

Crime matriach Judy Moran has been found not guilty in the Des ‘Tuppence’ Moran murder trial after lawyers proved witnesses to the shooting weren’t able to tell the difference between Moran and a large African hippopotamus. “There’s not a shred of evidence to prove that the getaway car involved in the shooting of her brother-in-law, [...]
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BREAKING NEWS – Prime Minister Julia Gillard To Personally Stop Asylum Seekers With Her Voice

BREAKING NEWS – Prime Minister Julia Gillard has just formally announced her plans to end the influx of asylum seekers attempting to enter Australia. “We don’t like boat people coming to this country unannounced and trying to come in the back door and then trying to sponge off our system which costs every legitimate Australian [...]
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Ben Cousins Overdoses on Sleeping Pills, Caffeine Tablets, Panadol, Smarties, TicTac’s & Nerds

Richmond Superstar Ben Cousins is still in critical condition this morning after being admitted to Epworth Hospital’s Emergency Department after a suspected overdose of sleeping pills, caffeine tablets, Panadols, Smarties, TicTac’s, Nerds, a button from his shirt, various sized nuts and bolts, a 15amp car fuse and 43 other small pill shaped items. “At this [...]
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Featured Post

United Nations Executes Kinder Surprise Jingle Writer

The United Nations, acting on the demands of rioting parents around the world, yesterday executed the jingle writer of the current Kinder Surprise commercial, finding him “..guilty of crimes against humanity” said Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon. Freelance jingle writer, Hans E. Gruber, penned the notorious tune in 2006, but it wasn’t until 2008 that Kinder Surprise [...]read more...

Asides

• Family First senator Steve Fielding has outraged nearly every community in existence by claiming this week the paid parental leave system is ripe for rorting by drug addicts, prostitutes, aliens, politicians, oompahloompahs, flying monkeys and chupacabra's. "It will be too tempting to get pregnant, then after 20 weeks have an abortion and still pocket the government's cash so you could buy a lovely set of candelabras and a fur coat made of albino rat fur," Fielding said. "I'm also a completely batshit loon, dangerously uneducated and possibly mentally unstable. Will the Government give me paid leave when I claim to have been impregnated by a fairy dressed as the Virgin Mary? These are serious questions, and I demand peanut butter!" exclaimed Senator Fielding while pretending to be Charles Darwin and carrying an imaginary cross. Senator Fielding is expected to recover soon. Click to read on single page
• Tiger Woods has denied claims that he repeatedly drove his car into a tree while trying to escape his wife who was angry about affair rumours. "Clearly that's a lie. I could have hit the tree in one shot and Nike would have sponsored the accident. I'm not a loser like Greg Norman you know." Click to read on single page
• KFC have been fined by the Advertising Standards Board and ordered to immediately take down their latest billboards. The new campaign, released worldwide yesterday, features the new slogan "At KFC, we love Fat Chicks!" KFC have admitted that letting KFC store employees come up with the latest advertising slogan might not have been a great idea, but was only done to boost morale. They have agreed to change the advertising to comply with the ruling, replacing the offensive line with the new slogan "At KFC, there's nothing fake about our breasts!" Click to read on single page