Archive for July, 2009
Former Telstra CEO Sol Trujillo an Arsehole
BREAKING NEWS: Former Telstra CEO, Sol Trujillo, has been reported to be “a world-class arsehole.” More news as it it arrives.
Channel Nine Axes Entire Thursday Lineup
Channel Nine, suffering through a ratings slump of epic proportions, today announced it had decided to axe its entire Thursday schedule, replacing it with 21 hours of static. Nine, who today also axed new US ‘reality weight loss/fat people embarrassing themselves’ show “Dance Your Ass Off” after airing just a single episode, said that their [...]
Sydney Man Twitters Own Bashing
22 year old Sydney resident, Beven Gougoulas, is tonight in intensive care at Bankstown Hospital in Sydney’s southwest. Gougoulas, an assistant wedding photographer and cake decorator, was attacked by 2 teenagers while walking home alone from local takeaway shop ‘The Kebabatorium’. Prior to the attack, Gougoulas was Twittering from his mobile phone while walking, which [...]
Earthquake Moves New Zealand Closer, Australian Navy Begins Shelling Auckland
A recent earthquake on New Zealands South Island has moved New Zealand closer to Australia by up to 10cm. The Australian Government, upon hearing the news, immediately launched all available navy vessels to the region and recalled thier Ambassador. Prime Minister Kevin Rudd cut short his latest holiday, calling New Zealand Prime Minister John Key [...]
Scientists Rush to Asia to Study Rare Eclipse, Get Laid
Scientists from around the world have been flocking to Asia this week to witness the last solar eclipse of the century. “Due to the extended duration of this eclipse, we will have an unprecedented opportunity to examine in depth how such an event effects wildlife, the human brain, the environment and other planetary bodies.” said [...]
Melbourne Unveils New Logo, Community Uproar at Unnecessary $61.25 Facelift
Melbourne Lord Mayor Robert Doyle today unveiled the new Melbourne City logo, developed over the last 3 weeks at a cost to ratepayers of $61.25 ($50 USD). “This is a proud moment for Melbourne, and a fresh new beginning for a city under seige from violence, stabbings, vicious assaults, racial tension, underage binge drinking, out [...]
iPhone Protoype Goes Missing, Worker Files Lost Prototype Report, Returns to Work
Chinese factory work, Sun Moon DangYong, 25, today filed ‘Form 145B, a Report of Lost Prototype Type F(iPhone)’, with his direct superiors at Foxconn, the Chinese manufacturer contracted by Apple to produce the popular iPhone mobile telephony device. DangYong, head of production for the iPhone, claimed that a box containing 16 of the prototypes had [...]
Local Fashionista Finds Old Leather Sofa Resembling Donatella Versace
Local fashionista Viridian P. Jarlsberg, yesterday announced to the world that she had discovered an old leather sofa that unmistakably resembles famous 55 year old Italian fashion designer Donatella Versace. “My husband was organising the hard rubbish for the yearly council collection, when he called out to me ‘Hey, Viridian! We’ve got an old sofa [...]
Nurofen Zavance Racing Team Sacks ‘More Speed’ Woman
The Nurofen Zavance Racing Team, sponsored by Nurofen Zavance, the headache medication that makes you drive two times faster than normal headache medicine, today sacked Sonia N. Tonight, the Head of the More Speed Button. Team Manager, Frisbee J. Jones, told Sports Tonight that he was “..sick and tired of losing race after race. It’s [...]
Michael Bay Cleans Up Moon Landing Footage for Anniversary
To celebrate the 40th anniversary of mankinds first visit to the moon, Hollywood producer/director Michael Bay has donated his studio resources to help NASA cleanup the original moon landing footage. Utilising the latest in digital restoration technology, Bay’s crew of film experts, who have worked on blockbuster features such as the two Transformers hits, Armageddon, [...]
