Archive for September, 2009
Carlton to Trade Fevola, Will Swap for Lugia EX Pokemon Card, BMX Bike or Car Roof Rack.
Carlton Football Club have finally run out of patience with controversial forward Brendan Fevola, offering him up for immediate trade. Fevola, still recovering from recent events that saw him sexually molest a police divvy van after he lost an arguement with a drunk horse during the Brownlow After Party, expressed his disappointment with this latest [...]
Kraft iSnack 2.0 Infected With Computer Virus, Creating Army of Salty, Thirsty Zombies
iSnack 2.0, the new Vegemite flavour from Kraft recently named in a public contest, has been found to contain the dreaded computer based Conficker virus. Kraft are said to be confused as to how a computer virus has made its way into a yeast based snack paste, but believe it could be a side-effect of [...]
Brendan Fevola Drunken Brownlow Pissing Frenzy Disgrace, Sacked by Footy Show
BREAKING NEWS Brendan Fevola announces retirement from football (click here to read new story) Carlton’s controversial full-forward Brendan Fevola is again in the doghouse after disgracing himself during the televised Brownlow Medal count. Fevola, attending the Brownlow with part-time wife Alex Fevola, was seen by television audiences urinating on himself, and urging others to urinate [...]
Kevin Rudd tells Ministers to “Fuck Off”, Punches Wayne Swan in Mouth
Prime Minister Kevin Rudd is today enjoying a surge in popularity after allegations he told his Ministers “Go fuck yourselves, you bunch of spoilt little whinging cocksuckers” when they objected to his proposed allowance cutbacks. “Who’s the boss? I am! BAM! You weak motherfuckers! Suck on that! Uh huh, K-Rudd is the big dawg and [...]
Serena Williams Decapitates Lineswoman, Eats Umpire Alive
Champion tennis star and avid bear wrestler Serena Williams has been arrested by police and ordered to stand trial for cannibalism and the decapitation murder of a lineswoman at the US Open today. Williams, serving for matchpoint against Kim Clijsters, was foot faulted by the lineswoman, triggering a verbal outburst. Williams is alledged to have [...]
Caster Semenya Reveals she is Hermaphrodite Lady Gaga
WORLD champion 800 metre runner Caster Semenya has revealed she is really the hermaphrodite Lady Gaga. Semenya, who has been under scrutiny since her medal wins in Berlin last month finally came clean this week and admitted her true identity in an effort to stop the latest circulating internet speculation that she was really a [...]
KFC Fined Over Offensive Ads
KFC have been fined by the Advertising Standards Board and ordered to immediately take down their latest billboards. The new campaign, released worldwide yesterday, features the new slogan “At KFC, we love Fat Chicks!” KFC have admitted that letting KFC store employees come up with the latest advertising slogan might not have been a great [...]
Judd Revealed to be a Vulcan, Gets 2 Week Ban
Carlton captain Chris Judd is looking down the barrel of a minimum two week ban with a potential lifetime expulsion from the game for allegedly attempting a Vulcan Mind-Meld with Brisbane’s Michael Rischitelli. Judd, until now thought to be a Christian, has revealed himself to be a Vulcan by birth. The AFL has determined that [...]
Stallone to Make Rambo 5, head of studio sacked.
Sylvester Stallone today announced he has been given the greenlight to make Rambo 5. The studio has denied giving the greenlight, claiming they couldn’t understand what he was saying. “I thought he was asking for directions to the cafeteria, not asking if he could make more films.” said Alberto DeGonzalez, who was later fired as [...]
Man Blind Since Birth Gains Sight, then Pokes Out Eyes
A man blind since birth recently suffered a heart-attack and miraculously gained eyesight, leaving doctors stunned. Overjoyed, he celebrated by buying a large screen plasma to fulfill his dream of watching morning television for the first time. Unfortunately the first image he saw when switching on the set was the face of Kerri-Anne Kennerley, after [...]
