Archive for December, 2009
John Mayer brands himself “the dumbest person in 2000 years”
John Mayer, the musician, raconteur, literature critic and celebrated British Naval Historian, has branded himself “the dumbest person in 2000 years” in a recent Twitter post. Mayer tweeted “I use Twitter, Facebook & myspace & say stupid things & use buzzwords & say I hate them – becoz I am really teh dumbest person in [...]
Hollywood mourns the unexpected death of 150,000 people around the world on Sunday
Hollywood is still in shock today at the sudden and unexpected news that 150,000 people died on Sunday from natural causes, unnatural causes, various diseases, heart failure, cancer, old age, plague, car accidents, slipping in the shower, accidental stabbing by a small baby playing with a kitchen knife, rabid dogs, feral deer rampage, disputes over [...]
James Cameron Honours Himself, Buys Star on Hollywood Walk of Fame
James Cameron, who is currently using his supernatural powers to manipulate the media into over-hyping his latest movie project Avatar, has celebrated his greatness by buying himself a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. “This star proves that I’m the most important director/visionary/Canadian of modern times” said Cameron during his ceremony. “I feel that [...]
Nicole Kidman Cocaine Frenzy – Declares War on Columbian Drug Cartel
Nicole Kidman stunned Hollywood again this week, this time turning up at the Premiere of her new movie Nine with her face covered in cocaine and mumbling “They wanna go to war? Those fucking cockroaches! Just wait till they see my little friend! Hokay!” Kidman, who last week slammed Australia’s paparazzi, has been involved in [...]
Blackburn North Man Injured in Unprovoked Attack – Eddie McGuire Questioned
26 year old Blackburn North resident Bruce Enphil is today recovering in hospital after he was allegedly kinghit in an unprovoked attack at a local bar last night. Police are questioning Collingwood President Eddie McGuire over the incident. Witnesses claim they saw a man resembling Channel Nine personality McGuire walk up to the entrance of [...]
Nicole Kidman slams Australia, Prefers How Americans Suck Up to Useless Celebrities
Nicole Kidman, the 42 year old ex-actress, today slammed Australia during a press conference and vowed never to return. She claimed that “Only Americans really know how to properly suck up to useless celebrities like me. Australia is still 10 years behind sycophant-wise, and probably always will be.” “The Australian media still likes to remind [...]
Victoria still wants Tiger – We Love Him Long Time
Victoria, the self-appointed Sporting Capital of the known 14 dimensional Universe, has declared that it still wants Tiger Woods to return next year, regardless of his current infidelity problems, and has put together a lucrative package which it thinks will entice him out of his self-imposed hiatus. “The Victorian Government is sensitive to Tiger’s current [...]
Obama Accepts Nobel Peace Prize, Declares War on Sweden
U.S President Barack Obama has used the Nobel Peace Prize ceremony in Norway to declare war on Sweden, the official home of the Nobel Prizes. “It would be what Alfred Nobel, the great chemical engineer and inventor of dynamite, wanted.” said Obama in his speech. “To receive such an honour, after being President of the [...]
Westpac regrets banana smoothie email, replaces it with video of monkeys throwing shit at people
Westpac went into damage control today after they released an animation which blamed the Global Financial Crisis and rising interest rates on a tropical storm that wiped out a banana plantation on the island from the television show LOST. Customers were outraged that the bank attempted to blame the rising cost of bananas for hiking [...]
Tiger Woods to go on Oprah, Confess Sins, Ask Forgiveness and ‘tap her fat ass’
Tiger Woods, reeling from multiple affair scandals and mounting negative publicity, has agreed to go on The Oprah Winfrey Show for a live primetime interview. Tiger is hoping that the exposure to such a large female demographic will allow him to carefully manage an apology and reclaim some badly needed sympathy. “I admit I have [...]
