Archive for February, 2010
Toyota President says “Solly”, Announces Amazing 3 Day Price Crash Sale
Akio Toyoda, 53 year old President of the worlds largest car manufacturer Toyota, has apologised for the dangerous safety issues currently affecting most of their models. “I ram vely solly for making vely bad car. Toyroda is quarity number A1 top happy! Maybe car exprode because you not drive in good fashion? But you okay, [...]
Australian Sharemarket Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places as Greece’s Debt Fears Grow
The Australian sharemarket is walking carefully and sitting on a hemorrhoid cushion tonight after closing lower amid new fears that Greece’s debt concerns were worse than reported. The S&P/ASX200 index fell 1.2 per cent and the All Ords fell 1.1 per cent to 4614.9, with many funds forced to dump stock via backdoor listings as [...]
Kevin Rudd Warns Australia “Look Out! We’re All Going to Die!”
Prime Minister Kevin Rudd today outlined his plans for dealing with the Insulation Rebate Scheme disaster by pointing behind assembled reporters and screaming “MY GOD! THEY’RE COMING TO KILL US!” In the following chaos, Mr Rudd announced that we should be scared, alert, vigilant, and suspicious of everyone because terrorists lived next door to all [...]
Channel Nine Axes Winter Olympics for being “too gay”
The Nine Network has axed the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics coverage for being “..too gay for our audience demographic” said Nine CEO David Gyngell. “Our viewers want to watch real men playing real sports, with lots of violence, action and a constant stream of mind numbing statistics spewed forth from excitable and incomprehensible commentators” said [...]
Opposition calls for Peter Garrett’s Resignation after Spate of Guinea Pig Deaths
The Opposition is upping the pressure on Prime Minister Kevin Rudd today, calling for the immediate resignation of Environment Minister Peter Garrett after the unexplained death of several guinea pigs around the country. “This just goes to show how inept Mr Garrett has been in his handling of the Home Guinea Pig Rebate Scheme.” said [...]
God Arrested Trying to Stop AC/DC Concert
God was last night taken into police custody after a failed attempt to sabotage AC/DC’s first Melbourne concert in 9 years. The 13.7 billion old Diety was charged with causing a disturbance, being a public nuisance, water damage to private and public property, interuption of the State’s electrical system and resisting arrest. He is claiming [...]
Angelina Jolie Caught Smuggling Haitian President out of Country
Angelina Jolie has been arrested in Haiti after attempting to smuggle Haitian President Rene Preval out of the country illegally in her Prada handbag. Jolie, a UN Goodwill Ambassador, claims she was only trying to find a more suitable home for the President, who she initially thought was an orphan hiding in the ruins of [...]
