Archive for May, 2010
No-one Turns Up To Watch Jessica Watson Sail into Sydney Harbour
16 year old adventurer Jessica Watson today sailed into Sydney harbour to deafening silence, as over 125,000 people stayed away, preferring to watch it broadcast live on television or do something worthwhile instead. For days the media have been promoting the event as a national celebration, with expections of crowd numbers growing daily. On Monday [...]
NASA’s Voyager 2 Spacecraft Carjacked by Unemployed Alien at Crown Casino
Police are investigating another alleged case of carjacking from Crown Casino, with NASA claiming that a valet parking attendant handed over the keys to their unmanned Voyager 2 craft to an unemployed Alien from the suburbs of Alpha Centuri last night. The craft, worth 225 million dollars, was parked at Crown while NASA engineers where [...]
Lara Bingle Splits with Agent Max Markson, Seeking ‘quieter life, diginity, morals, ethics, talent and to be able to sleep with myself at night without waking up wishing I was dead’,
Celebrity Nobody Lara Bingle has announced her split from celebrity nobody Celebrity Nobody promoter Max Markson. “I’ve had enough of the ‘celebrity nobody’ thing, I just want to be a plain old ‘nobody’ again, and for cricket fans to stop throwing beer cans at me all the time,” said Bingle during an exclusive interview with [...]
Stock Market Plunges 9% – Kevin Smith, Gordon Gecko and Starbucks Under Investigation
Panic hit worldwide markets overnight, after Wall Street’s Dow Jones suffered a record 9% intraday plunge, before recovering slightly to end 3.2% down. The unexpected almost 1,000 point drop is being attributed to several possible causes, including director Kevin Smith’s fat ass sitting on a keyboard, a trader who drank a 13 shot venti soy [...]
Sarah Jessica Parker Denies Sex and the City 2 Poster Airbrushing Claims
Sarah Jessica Parker has defended the newly released poster for upcoming horror film, Sex and the City 2, claiming “It’s all us, fabulous fabulous us! You’re all jealous little ugly skankatrons.” Parker, 68, claims that her rigorous daily youth treatments results in her looking “supernaturally young” in photoshoots and movies. “The girls and I spend [...]
