Archive for June, 2010
Kevin Rudd Challenged By Julia Gillard, Declares ‘Barley’ to Save Job
Kevin Rudd has temporarily held off a leadership challenge from Julia Gillard tonight by invoking the rarely used ‘Barley’ rule. Julia Gillard, backed by an alleged majority support of party members, was urged to challenge Kevin Rudd to save Labor from possible defeat at the next election after a series of disasterous polls. Ms Gillard, [...]
Steve Fielding Pregnant, Demands Paid Parental Leave
Family First senator Steve Fielding has outraged nearly every community in existence by claiming this week the paid parental leave system is ripe for rorting by drug addicts, prostitutes, aliens, politicians, oompahloompahs, flying monkeys and chupacabra’s. “It will be too tempting to get pregnant, then after 20 weeks have an abortion and still pocket the [...]
Nurofen Zavance Spy Killed by Rival Henchmen
A corporate spy working for Nurofen Zavance has been tortured, shot, thrown from a moving vehicle and shot again after security guards from rival firm GlaxoSmithKline caught her trying to steal their secret recipe for Tutti Frutti flavoured Childrens Panadol. The spy, identified as 32 year old Lorena Zubanca, had initially escaped from guards at [...]
BP Completes ‘Operation Drain Earth’s Oil into the Gulf of Mexico’, moves on to Phase 2: ‘Operation Fuck You, Seawater’
BP announced today they had successfully completed Phase 1 of Operation: Drain all Earth’s Oil into the Gulf of Mexico. “We think we’ve done a pretty good job, and in a much faster time frame than originally expected too,” claimed BP CEO Mr Satan P. Goathumper. “Even though at times it seemed like the whole [...]
Mine Owners to Protest Unfair Resource Tax from the Back of $150 Million Dollar Solid Gold Diamond Encrusted Truck
Miners, led by Andrew ‘Twiggy’ Forrest, will lead a protest against Kevin Rudd’s proposed resources tax by driving to Canberra in a 150 million dollar diamond encrusted mining truck that they originally purchased with the help of generous tax incentives from the Government. “This extravagant and lavish protest is our way of showing Mr Rudd [...]
Government Pays Tiger Woods to Come In Victoria Again
Putter Whore Tiger Woods has been welcomed back to Victoria with open legs to compete for her affections, money and cup once again. ”I am pleased to be able to return to Melbourne to play with Victoria again,” Woods said while rolling around on a bed covered in 100 dollar bills, silicon enhanced pornstars and [...]
Apple Releases New iPhone 4 featuring over 100 New “Meh’s” and 60 Improved “Pfft’s”
Apple CEO Steve Jobs has unveiled the new iPhone 4. Speaking at Apple’s Worldwide Developer Conference, the iPhone 4 announcement was overshadowed by recently leaked iPhone prototypes that were picked apart and covered extensively by gadget blog Gizmodo.com. This years Conference and Jobs Keynote speech was a more subdued affair than previous years, with only [...]
Simon Cowell Executed at BAFTAs for His “Special Contribution” to the Downfall of Modern Culture
Music entrepreneur Simon Cowell has been executed by firing squad during the live television presentation of the BAFTA awards for his “..very special and important part..” in the downfall of modern culture. The BAFTA’s Special Execution in Recognition of Excellence category was a last minute addition to the awards ceremony. It had originally planned to [...]
400 people at Melbourne Sex and the City 2 Premiere Hospitalised with Radiation Poisoning
Several Melbourne hospitals are tonight struggling to cope with an influx of emergency patients suffering radiation poisoning. All the patients were in the audience at the Sex and City 2 premiere at South Yarra’s Jam Factory Gold Class Cinema. After a thorough investigation, the emergency services in attendance could not find the source of the [...]
Obama Recruits James Cameron and Na’vi to help with growing BP Oil Spill
US President Barack Obama has conceded that the Gulf of Mexico oil spill is now well beyond the ability of BP or the Government to cap. This morning he called on movie director James Cameron and the Na’vi from planet Pandora to help. “Well..I think that this issue is special… and ah.. we need special [...]
