Asides
Steve Fielding Pregnant, Demands Paid Parental Leave
Family First senator Steve Fielding has outraged nearly every community in existence by claiming this week the paid parental leave system is ripe for rorting by drug addicts, prostitutes, aliens, politicians, oompahloompahs, flying monkeys and chupacabra’s. “It will be too tempting to get pregnant, then after 20 weeks have an abortion and still pocket the [...]
Tiger Woods hits tree under par
Tiger Woods has denied claims that he repeatedly drove his car into a tree while trying to escape his wife who was angry about affair rumours. “Clearly that’s a lie. I could have hit the tree in one shot and Nike would have sponsored the accident. I’m not a loser like Greg Norman you know.”
KFC Fined Over Offensive Ads
KFC have been fined by the Advertising Standards Board and ordered to immediately take down their latest billboards. The new campaign, released worldwide yesterday, features the new slogan “At KFC, we love Fat Chicks!” KFC have admitted that letting KFC store employees come up with the latest advertising slogan might not have been a great [...]
Stallone to Make Rambo 5, head of studio sacked.
Sylvester Stallone today announced he has been given the greenlight to make Rambo 5. The studio has denied giving the greenlight, claiming they couldn’t understand what he was saying. “I thought he was asking for directions to the cafeteria, not asking if he could make more films.” said Alberto DeGonzalez, who was later fired as [...]
Man Blind Since Birth Gains Sight, then Pokes Out Eyes
A man blind since birth recently suffered a heart-attack and miraculously gained eyesight, leaving doctors stunned. Overjoyed, he celebrated by buying a large screen plasma to fulfill his dream of watching morning television for the first time. Unfortunately the first image he saw when switching on the set was the face of Kerri-Anne Kennerley, after [...]
Melbourne Lord Mayor Robert Doyle Bans Bogans from City, Now Can’t Get To Work.
Melbourne Lord Mayor Robert Doyle yesterday officially banned bogans from the city in a bid to curb rising violence. However, today he was apprehended on his way in to work when he arrived by train at Flinders Street Station and fined for breaching his new law. He told Neill Mitchell of 3AW in an interview [...]
BREAKING NEWS: Katie Holmes’s Far Death Experience!
Movie star and midget afficianado, Katie Holmes, is recovering after a near death experience while shooting her latest film, the remake of Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark. Holmes, currently in Melbourne, Australia, shooting scenes for the film, was startled when a car in Hollywood, California, 12,500km away, suddenly caught fire and had to be [...]
Theo Theophanous Steps Down, Feels Violated by Brumby
STATE Labor MP Theo Theophanous has stepped down, even though Premier John Brumby has asked him to stay on and hinted to the media that he would continue in his role. Theophanous claims he told Premier Brumby “No means No! It does not mean Yes! I said no more, and I meant it. I wish [...]
BREAKING NEWS: Brangelina and Who Weekly Separate!
BREAKING NEWS: Brangelina and Who Weekly magazine have officially announced their separation. Ending months of speculation and rumour, Brangelina and Who Weekly magazine have had a bumpy ride over the last year, with many sources close to Brangelina claiming the magazine was ready to walk out over differences of opinion concerning how to best photograph [...]
BREAKING NEWS: Banks Are Arseholes
BREAKING NEWS: Reports are coming in that “..banks are arseholes.” More news as it arrives.
