News Blrt’s
Cyclone Yasi Deathtoll Stands at: 0. News Anchors “prepared to kill innocent people” if Fatalities Don’t Start Soon.
As Cyclone Yasi bears down on a frightened Queensland population, several news anchors have suggested they were “..prepared to kill innocent civilians if the cyclone deathtoll didn’t start soon.” As a precaution, Queensland police have detained Karl Stefanovic, Tracy Grimshaw and David ‘Kochie’ Koch as their flights landed in Queensland this afternoon in preparation for [...]
Judy Moran found not guilty in Des Moran murder trial. Rogue hippopotamus implicated.
Crime matriach Judy Moran has been found not guilty in the Des ‘Tuppence’ Moran murder trial after lawyers proved witnesses to the shooting weren’t able to tell the difference between Moran and a large African hippopotamus. “There’s not a shred of evidence to prove that the getaway car involved in the shooting of her brother-in-law, [...]
BREAKING NEWS – Prime Minister Julia Gillard To Personally Stop Asylum Seekers With Her Voice
BREAKING NEWS – Prime Minister Julia Gillard has just formally announced her plans to end the influx of asylum seekers attempting to enter Australia. “We don’t like boat people coming to this country unannounced and trying to come in the back door and then trying to sponge off our system which costs every legitimate Australian [...]
Ben Cousins Overdoses on Sleeping Pills, Caffeine Tablets, Panadol, Smarties, TicTac’s & Nerds
Richmond Superstar Ben Cousins is still in critical condition this morning after being admitted to Epworth Hospital’s Emergency Department after a suspected overdose of sleeping pills, caffeine tablets, Panadols, Smarties, TicTac’s, Nerds, a button from his shirt, various sized nuts and bolts, a 15amp car fuse and 43 other small pill shaped items. “At this [...]
Kevin Rudd Challenged By Julia Gillard, Declares ‘Barley’ to Save Job
Kevin Rudd has temporarily held off a leadership challenge from Julia Gillard tonight by invoking the rarely used ‘Barley’ rule. Julia Gillard, backed by an alleged majority support of party members, was urged to challenge Kevin Rudd to save Labor from possible defeat at the next election after a series of disasterous polls. Ms Gillard, [...]
Nurofen Zavance Spy Killed by Rival Henchmen
A corporate spy working for Nurofen Zavance has been tortured, shot, thrown from a moving vehicle and shot again after security guards from rival firm GlaxoSmithKline caught her trying to steal their secret recipe for Tutti Frutti flavoured Childrens Panadol. The spy, identified as 32 year old Lorena Zubanca, had initially escaped from guards at [...]
BP Completes ‘Operation Drain Earth’s Oil into the Gulf of Mexico’, moves on to Phase 2: ‘Operation Fuck You, Seawater’
BP announced today they had successfully completed Phase 1 of Operation: Drain all Earth’s Oil into the Gulf of Mexico. “We think we’ve done a pretty good job, and in a much faster time frame than originally expected too,” claimed BP CEO Mr Satan P. Goathumper. “Even though at times it seemed like the whole [...]
Mine Owners to Protest Unfair Resource Tax from the Back of $150 Million Dollar Solid Gold Diamond Encrusted Truck
Miners, led by Andrew ‘Twiggy’ Forrest, will lead a protest against Kevin Rudd’s proposed resources tax by driving to Canberra in a 150 million dollar diamond encrusted mining truck that they originally purchased with the help of generous tax incentives from the Government. “This extravagant and lavish protest is our way of showing Mr Rudd [...]
Government Pays Tiger Woods to Come In Victoria Again
Putter Whore Tiger Woods has been welcomed back to Victoria with open legs to compete for her affections, money and cup once again. ”I am pleased to be able to return to Melbourne to play with Victoria again,” Woods said while rolling around on a bed covered in 100 dollar bills, silicon enhanced pornstars and [...]
Apple Releases New iPhone 4 featuring over 100 New “Meh’s” and 60 Improved “Pfft’s”
Apple CEO Steve Jobs has unveiled the new iPhone 4. Speaking at Apple’s Worldwide Developer Conference, the iPhone 4 announcement was overshadowed by recently leaked iPhone prototypes that were picked apart and covered extensively by gadget blog Gizmodo.com. This years Conference and Jobs Keynote speech was a more subdued affair than previous years, with only [...]
