News Blrt’s
Simon Cowell Executed at BAFTAs for His “Special Contribution” to the Downfall of Modern Culture
Music entrepreneur Simon Cowell has been executed by firing squad during the live television presentation of the BAFTA awards for his “..very special and important part..” in the downfall of modern culture. The BAFTA’s Special Execution in Recognition of Excellence category was a last minute addition to the awards ceremony. It had originally planned to [...]
400 people at Melbourne Sex and the City 2 Premiere Hospitalised with Radiation Poisoning
Several Melbourne hospitals are tonight struggling to cope with an influx of emergency patients suffering radiation poisoning. All the patients were in the audience at the Sex and City 2 premiere at South Yarra’s Jam Factory Gold Class Cinema. After a thorough investigation, the emergency services in attendance could not find the source of the [...]
Obama Recruits James Cameron and Na’vi to help with growing BP Oil Spill
US President Barack Obama has conceded that the Gulf of Mexico oil spill is now well beyond the ability of BP or the Government to cap. This morning he called on movie director James Cameron and the Na’vi from planet Pandora to help. “Well..I think that this issue is special… and ah.. we need special [...]
No-one Turns Up To Watch Jessica Watson Sail into Sydney Harbour
16 year old adventurer Jessica Watson today sailed into Sydney harbour to deafening silence, as over 125,000 people stayed away, preferring to watch it broadcast live on television or do something worthwhile instead. For days the media have been promoting the event as a national celebration, with expections of crowd numbers growing daily. On Monday [...]
NASA’s Voyager 2 Spacecraft Carjacked by Unemployed Alien at Crown Casino
Police are investigating another alleged case of carjacking from Crown Casino, with NASA claiming that a valet parking attendant handed over the keys to their unmanned Voyager 2 craft to an unemployed Alien from the suburbs of Alpha Centuri last night. The craft, worth 225 million dollars, was parked at Crown while NASA engineers where [...]
Stock Market Plunges 9% – Kevin Smith, Gordon Gecko and Starbucks Under Investigation
Panic hit worldwide markets overnight, after Wall Street’s Dow Jones suffered a record 9% intraday plunge, before recovering slightly to end 3.2% down. The unexpected almost 1,000 point drop is being attributed to several possible causes, including director Kevin Smith’s fat ass sitting on a keyboard, a trader who drank a 13 shot venti soy [...]
Sarah Jessica Parker Denies Sex and the City 2 Poster Airbrushing Claims
Sarah Jessica Parker has defended the newly released poster for upcoming horror film, Sex and the City 2, claiming “It’s all us, fabulous fabulous us! You’re all jealous little ugly skankatrons.” Parker, 68, claims that her rigorous daily youth treatments results in her looking “supernaturally young” in photoshoots and movies. “The girls and I spend [...]
Benicio Del Toro, Angelina Jolie Arrested, Bryan Singer Shot Dead Over Magnum Gold Ice Cream Haul
Actors Benicio Del Toro and Angelina Jolie are in custody today and director Bryan Singer (The Usual Suspects, Superman Returns) has been shot dead after their planned heist of 75 million Magnum Gold ice cream bars went tragically wrong last night. It’s alleged that Del Toro, Jolie and Singer hatched the daring plan to break [...]
Justin Bieber Cancels Australian Show – Blames Sore Tummy
Canadian teen heart-throb moppet Justin Bieber was forced to cancel his only Australian performance today when police feared that a sudden surge in high powered sniper rifle sales in the days leading up to his appearance was not an unrelated co-incidence. Simon Overland, Chief Commissioner of Victoria Police was angered by the mass hysteria amongst [...]
Hey Hey it’s Saturday vs The Pacific – Who Won the Ratings War?
The results for the biggest ratings showdown of 2010 are in, with Channel 7 and Channel 9 going head to head last night in a battle for the eyes of viewers, the dollars of advertisers and the rage of people who hate Daryl Somers. One show was a much talked about locally filmed Australian production [...]
