People Blrt’s
BREAKING NEWS – Prime Minister Julia Gillard To Personally Stop Asylum Seekers With Her Voice
BREAKING NEWS – Prime Minister Julia Gillard has just formally announced her plans to end the influx of asylum seekers attempting to enter Australia. “We don’t like boat people coming to this country unannounced and trying to come in the back door and then trying to sponge off our system which costs every legitimate Australian [...]
Ben Cousins Overdoses on Sleeping Pills, Caffeine Tablets, Panadol, Smarties, TicTac’s & Nerds
Richmond Superstar Ben Cousins is still in critical condition this morning after being admitted to Epworth Hospital’s Emergency Department after a suspected overdose of sleeping pills, caffeine tablets, Panadols, Smarties, TicTac’s, Nerds, a button from his shirt, various sized nuts and bolts, a 15amp car fuse and 43 other small pill shaped items. “At this [...]
Kevin Rudd Challenged By Julia Gillard, Declares ‘Barley’ to Save Job
Kevin Rudd has temporarily held off a leadership challenge from Julia Gillard tonight by invoking the rarely used ‘Barley’ rule. Julia Gillard, backed by an alleged majority support of party members, was urged to challenge Kevin Rudd to save Labor from possible defeat at the next election after a series of disasterous polls. Ms Gillard, [...]
Government Pays Tiger Woods to Come In Victoria Again
Putter Whore Tiger Woods has been welcomed back to Victoria with open legs to compete for her affections, money and cup once again. ”I am pleased to be able to return to Melbourne to play with Victoria again,” Woods said while rolling around on a bed covered in 100 dollar bills, silicon enhanced pornstars and [...]
Simon Cowell Executed at BAFTAs for His “Special Contribution” to the Downfall of Modern Culture
Music entrepreneur Simon Cowell has been executed by firing squad during the live television presentation of the BAFTA awards for his “..very special and important part..” in the downfall of modern culture. The BAFTA’s Special Execution in Recognition of Excellence category was a last minute addition to the awards ceremony. It had originally planned to [...]
Lara Bingle Splits with Agent Max Markson, Seeking ‘quieter life, diginity, morals, ethics, talent and to be able to sleep with myself at night without waking up wishing I was dead’,
Celebrity Nobody Lara Bingle has announced her split from celebrity nobody Celebrity Nobody promoter Max Markson. “I’ve had enough of the ‘celebrity nobody’ thing, I just want to be a plain old ‘nobody’ again, and for cricket fans to stop throwing beer cans at me all the time,” said Bingle during an exclusive interview with [...]
Justin Bieber Cancels Australian Show – Blames Sore Tummy
Canadian teen heart-throb moppet Justin Bieber was forced to cancel his only Australian performance today when police feared that a sudden surge in high powered sniper rifle sales in the days leading up to his appearance was not an unrelated co-incidence. Simon Overland, Chief Commissioner of Victoria Police was angered by the mass hysteria amongst [...]
Ricky Martin Comes Out of Closet and Admits He Sang “She Bangs”
Ricky Martin, the flamboyant 38 year old homosexual Latino singer, has finally admitted he was the artist behind the 2000 hit single “She Bangs”. For years Martin has refused to confirm rumours that he was the singer, even though it was a worldwide number one hit in 412 countries and reaped 34 billion dollars in [...]
Bingle-Fest 2010 LIVE UPDATE – Clarke and Bingle Split, “It’s Over!” says angry neighbour
Human carcrash Lara Bingle and Aussie cricketer Michael Clarke have officially split, calling off their engagement and ending their relationship this morning. The announcement was made in an official statement by the couple’s disgruntled neighbour, Marjorie Paltrow-Brent. “I’m so sick and blasted tired of all the reporters, the hovering helicopters, the damn noisey photographers, the [...]
Bingle-Fest 2010 LIVE UPDATE – Lara Bingle seen using a telephone
Bingle-Fest 2010 LIVE UPDATE Unconfirmed reports are arriving that Lara Bingle, Australia’s favourite slut daughter, has been spotted speaking on a telephone. Details are currently sketchy, but some sources claim the telephone was a late model Uniden XDECT 7055 Triple supplied by Telstra on a HomeLine Advanced call plan. “If reports are correct about the [...]
